POSTED ON January 20, 2017
If you're an anal beginner, learn more about how to explore this kinky type of play with your partner courtesy of this post by the anal experts at b-Vibe, a sex toy company founded by Certified Sex Expert, Alicia Sinclair, to provide high-quality, certified body-safe anal sex products.
One of the most common reasons people enjoy anal play, besides the physical pleasure, is how well it combines with fantasy play. Some people love the feeling of surrender and trust that comes with exploring that incredibly intimate part of their bodies. The feeling of naughtiness that arises from doing something that carries such a taboo turns on a lot of people. And plenty of folks enjoy the feeling of dominance and submission that anal play brings out. If you’re turned on by any (or all) of these fantasies, here are a few things you can do to get the most out of your adventures.
Know the difference between fantasy and reality
One of the most exciting ways to bring fantasies into your sex life is through dirty talk. You might share a story and role play a fantasy without acting it out. For example, you can tell your partner how much fun you’re going to have sharing them with another lover in a threesome, without having any intention of finding someone to do that with.
Similarly, you might tell your partner that you can’t wait to slide your fingers into their ass without any warm-up, knowing that while the story turns them on, their body still needs lots of foreplay before anything goes inside. Or you might tell them that you’ll take them into the restaurant bathroom for anal sex and enjoy watching them blush, but not have any real intention of doing that.
These kinds of sexy stories can add a new dimension to your anal play, as long as you both know which fantasies are “I actually want to do this” and which ones are simply fun things to talk about.
Surrender and trust
Since a lot of people say that anal play requires deep trust and the ability to surrender to their partner, it definitely lends itself to these kinds of adventures. However, it’s important to make sure that you’re not getting goal-oriented about your fun. It can be easy to focus on the anal play as proof of your partner’s trust, which can actually make it harder for them to relax and enjoy it.
You’ll be much better off if you can put your attention into creating the trust and then allowing the sexual fun to come from that. And remember- if you pressure your partner into proving their trust for you by having anal sex, you’re doing it backwards. Nobody should ever be pressured into anal sex (or any other kind of sex).
Playing with the taboo
Breaking the rules, being naughty, and doing something that feels “dirty” can be a big turn-on. That’s one reason some folks get hot and bothered by sex in semi-public places. The possibility of getting caught adds a lot of spice.
One fun way to experiment with anal play and fantasy is to wear a butt plug out to dinner, an event, or a public place. The Trio or Novice Plug are especially good for this because of their smaller size. Hand the remote control over to your partner and let them be in control of the sensations. This dynamic of power play will build the sexual excitement and create a secret adventure for just the two of you.
Talk the Talk
Anal play can be a fun way to tap into that feeling of doing something taboo. If that’s exciting to you or your partner, you’ll probably find that a few well-chosen words heighten the experience. Try saying something like, “I love how you open up for me. It’s so sexy and dirty.” Or maybe, “you look so naughty, with your legs spread like that.”
There are a lot of different ways to play with this, and it might feel difficult to figure out what will work best. One good way to do that is to have a conversation before things get too far along. Ask your partner how they like to feel during anal play. What are the words that cue that feeling? Is it more of a turn on to be a sexy slut or a good girl or boy?
Whatever words turn you on, it might not take much to put you over the top. On the other hand, there could also be words that act like a bucket of cold water or leave you feeling hurt and upset. So it’s much better to talk beforehand and make sure you both know what works and what doesn’t work.
Dominance and submission
Although there can be some overlap with surrender or exploring taboos, dominance and submission can be its own flavor of erotic fantasy, especially when you’re enjoying anal pleasure. A lot of people say that there’s something exciting about S&M and consensual power play, though of course, it isn’t everyone’s cup of tea.
There are a lot of ways to experiment with these fantasies. You might enjoy erotic service and devotion. Or maybe being “punished” by a teacher, inspected by a doctor, or being trained to provide pleasure turns you on. You get to decide which scenarios get you hot and bothered, so let your imagination out to play!
Some safety tips
If you enjoy bringing your fantasy life out, there are some steps you can take to help make it a success. First, remember that no matter what your fantasies are, it’s important to not force your body to go faster than it wants. You could have a fantasy of not needing any warm-up for anal sex, but your body might say otherwise. Feel free to use your words to tell the story, but be sure to go as slow as your body needs. Your physical safety and comfort is always important, so don’t ignore them.
It’s also a good idea to have a safeword. A safeword is a code word that means “I need to take a break” or “I need to stop.” Sometimes, people use safewords because they want to enact fantasies where they pretend to resist or say no, without actually meaning it. A safeword gives you a way to be clear about when you mean your “no.”
Safewords have another important use. The word “no” can be difficult to say, especially during sex. Some people find that it’s easier to use a safeword because it doesn’t have the same emotional weight of the word “no.”
There are lots of different words that people use as safewords. You might use “mercy” or “please” or “time out.” Some folks use “red” (as in red light) to mean stop and “yellow” when they need to take a break. And there are people who use words that would seem really out of context, such as “flower” or “apple,” because it’s a clear signal that something needs attention. Whatever word you choose, let your partner know so they’re aware of it.
Lastly, when you’re exploring fantasies, you might get really turned on in the heat of the moment and then wake up the next day with some difficult feelings. These “shameovers” are emotional hangovers, and they don’t have to be disasters. Take them as a sign that you overdid it, in the same way that waking up sore can be a signal that you overdid it at the gym. Be gentle with yourself and dial it back next time.