1. I have been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend for two years now, and we only get to see each other every few months. When we first started dating, I was never really dominant when it came to sex – but now he wants me to be. I want to be dominant, too, but I just feel like I’m not very good at it. What do I do?
Stop worrying about how good or bad you are and just live in the moment. What’s going through your own head about your performance is guaranteed to be ten times worse than what your boyfriend is thinking. In fact, he’s surely thrilled that you actually want to explore dominance for your own pleasure, not just his.
First, take a step back and explore your own interest with dominance. Read articles and watch videos; in other words, do some good old-fashioned research. Next, talk with him about it. Ask him for feedback, and accept it constructively. After all, you’re doing this for the both of you, not just him. One of the wonderful things about romantic relationships is the ability to grow and learn – together. It’s only natural to do this in an intimate setting, too.
Grow your self-confidence and the worries about whether you’re good or bad will start to melt away. You’ll realize that it’s not about good or bad; it’s about openness, sharing, and accepting that sex isn’t going to be perfect every time, but it doesn’t need to be, either.
2. My girlfriend and I have been together for several wonderful years. I am very much in love with her, and we satisfy each other in almost every way possible. But there’s one kind of major problem: I have a foot fetish. She doesn’t mind that I have the fetish, but she won’t indulge in it. What can I do?
I don’t know exactly how your girlfriend feels, but neither do you – no one besides her does. Yet when it comes to the more unusual kinks like foot fetishes, the non-fetish-having partner usually isn’t being judgmental so much as they are simply confused. She has never viewed feet in an erotic light, so how can she understand where they fit into the picture sexually?
The key is to approach her with a simple, non-threatening situation – such as a foot massage. Most people can enjoy a foot massage, especially after a long day of work or after a bath. Stay calm, try to make it more about her than about you, and see how things proceed. After the foot massage, don’t immediately try to have sex. Her comfort is crucial here. If you can help her to understand how this fetish turns you on, you stand a chance at opening her mind.
Take it very slow. Respect her pace and need to understand. But also be prepared to face the fact that she just may not ever be willing to fully indulge this interest.
3. Before we got married, my husband and I were in a long-distance relationship for several years. During this time, we engaged in quite a bit of phone sex and cyber sex, which meant a lot of dirty talk. I wasn’t really into dirty talk, but I felt that the situation called for it, so I obliged. After we got married and he moved in, I banned talking dirty. Now we only have sex every few months. He doesn’t seem to need it more often than that, but I do. I’m not sure how to handle this.
Another peril of navigating long-distance relationships! You made it work – in a creative and clever way – when you were apart, but now that you’re together, you’re not willing to do those same things, yet you want more sex. Unfortunately, there is no easy solution to this. Of course you should not force yourself to do things that aren’t pleasurable to you, but a relationship is a two-way road. You can’t expect your husband to just stop being aroused by what aroused him in the past: dirty talk. Turn-ons don’t just change overnight.
First of all, if you haven’t talked about this frankly, you need to open that line of communication. But in terms of actual action, you have to make the transition more fluid than completely cutting dirty talk out. Try to engage in something that has more in common with your original style. If actual voicing the words is a problem, why not try sexting?
Relationships are all about compromise. If your husband sees that you’re trying, even if it’s not going to be as extreme or explicit as in the past, that’s sure to have a positive effect on his libido. Then you can both continue to work together to build a new sexual bridge that meets somewhere in the middle.
It’s okay to need advice – especially when it comes to sex and romance. We hope we’ve been able to shed some light on your questions, and look forward to answering many more. As always, feel free to stop by your local Lover’s Lane to chat with our in-store Romance Specialists in person, or discreetly browse our adult sex toys, erotic lingerie, and everything in-between online!