Ask A Romance Specialist: General Sex Ed

Ask A Romance Specialist: General Sex Ed
POSTED ON April 4, 2019

The questions keep coming in, and please keep sending them! This month we answer a wide variety of questions about toys, squirting, sexual self confidence, and more!


I found out my wife bought a dildo that is much bigger than me. It’s a real monster and I can’t help but feel a little inadequate. Is it normal to feel this way? And how can I get over this feeling? And how do I show her I really want her to fulfill her desires because she hasn’t even had the chance to use it due to me being insecure. -Mark

Ok, I'm going to address a few different things in this answer. First, yes it is normal to feel that way. Regardless of what they say, most guys are insecure about their penis. It's not always about the length, but maybe the girth, shape, foreskin, etc so you're not alone. There's a couple different ways to overcome this. You could invest in a penis pump to become longer. There's a great article from last November entitled "Time to Grow: Penis Pumps" that covers a lot more details and various options of pumps.

Another way to get over this feeling is to realize that you don't need a big penis to "fulfill her desires." Regardless of what other people say, it truly is the motion of ocean that matters most. Think about it this way, would you rather take sex and romance advice from a sexpert like yours truly or somebody who isn't? It's the same logic that you don't ask a doctor how to be a lawyer. You could get really good at going down on her and/or making her squirt. Or figure out what kind of fantasies, kinks, desires she has if you don't already know and fulfill those. If she got a bigger dildo that's much bigger than you, then she probably wants to feel more full during penetration, or at least wants to experiment with it. If this is the case, then you should probably go the penis pump route to fill her desire.

I'm a first time user. What dildo and or vibrator would work better for first time anal? -Jared

You've come to the right place Jared! If you're trying out anal for the first time, I wouldn't recommend a dildo, but if you're set on using one then try out the Purple Rain Glass Dildo. It's good for temperature play and has a nice texture to give you wild sensations. A plug or some anal beads would be better to ease you into your anal adventure though. Here are some more specific recommendations:

Flexi Felix- A fantastic set of anal beads especially for beginners. They're smaller than most and tapered for easy entry, but also flexible so you can play around with positioning.

B-Vibe Rimming Petite Butt Plug- Probably the most extensive anal toy I'd recommend for beginners. As it's name suggests the plug provides a rimming sensation through the beads in its neck and also has a strong motor in the tip.

Tushy Teaser Anal Plug - Here's a great non-vibrating butt plug. It's on the smaller size compared to other plugs, which is good if you've never used one before.

Of course, we have a lot more beginner anal toys, but hopefully this helps. Enjoy the butt stuff!

My husband and I both want to spice it up! He says my lingerie needs to be more sexy! I'm a bit shy! I have tried sexy dancing, stripping, hot oils, lotions, and toys! I want him to want me more! What can I do? -Paula

Hey Paula! I've got 4 different tips for you. 1- Use pheromones. If you want your hubby to want you more, then at night put on some After Dark to drive him wild with desire.

2- If he's saying your lingerie needs to be sexier, then ask him what kind of lingerie he likes. Is he more of a babydoll guy or a chemise guy? Maybe he really likes corsets/bustiers or bodystockings. Then again, you cannot go wrong with the classic bra & panty combo. At the same time, it shouldn't entirely matter what lingerie you're wearing. Yes, the lingerie should be functional and seductive to some degree, don't be wearing granny panties if you're trying to get it on, but if you're wearing something like the Bow Over Babydoll or the Criss Cross My Heart Chemise, and he's still saying to get something sexier, then you need to take him straight to the eye doctor because his eyes are not working right.

3- If you want him to want you more, then figure out (if you don't already know) what his kinks, fantasies, and innermost desires are then use them to your advantage. Tease him with them. If he has a thing for maids, dress up as one and prolong the foreplay, indulging him for a kiss or a scintillating touch but then walk away and pretend like you're cleaning something. Or maybe you're the dominant one during a thrilling session of BDSM. I know you said you're shy, but he might be wanting you to be more commanding and authoritative in the bedroom. The moral of the story is ask him what he really wants, and then work with it.

4- Books are always a great idea to get new ideas for sex positions, oral techniques, hot sex tips, kinky sex, pegging, massage, slow sex, etc. You do not know what you do not know, and to learn what you don't know you need to go somewhere or to someone with an abundance of knowledge in the area you seek. Now, that last sentence applies to literally anything in life, but especially sex, and that's probably why you're here to get sex advice from the Lover's Lane resident sexpert. Have fun Paula!

My spouse and I are very romantic, but I like hard sex and I'm not fully satisfied with my husband, what can I do? -Halena

Does your husband know you like hard sex? If he does, and won't fulfill your desires, that's one problem where you might have to compromise. For example, every other time you have sex it's his way then yours and back and forth. If your husband does not know, be honest with him. It may be awkward and uncomfortable but he can't satisfy you if he doesn't know what you like. This next bit might not be the most popular answer but if you're not satisfied with your husband you may want to talk with him about bringing in another playmate or maybe becoming swingers. This is not for everybody, and you should definitely talk to your husband about it first.

Have you two experimented with BDSM? It may not be the kind of hard sex you're looking for but it could be a great middle ground for you to get more of what you want while he enjoys dominating you. Bondage can elevate the experience for both partners. Restraints make you focus more on the sensations and what your partner is doing while the dominant one has free reign, total control over their partner. It's a win win, definitely not for everybody, but there's no harm in the both of you trying it out.

I want to feel sexy and confident with myself again. And I love dressing up especially for my girlfriend. I would love to make her squirt. I only did it once and she didn't squirt a lot but it was so sexy. I'm looking for black panties and black suspenders. And also what's the best way to learn how to strip tease/give lap dance? -Allison

The first to feeling sexy and confident with yourself is learning to love yourself. As cheesy, corny, and cliché as that might sound. It's true whether you like it or not. This next thing might sound weird, but one little know way to start loving yourself is to stare at you in the mirror and say "I love you (insert your name)." Now this probably won't work the first time or even the second or third time you do it, well maybe by the third time. Just every time you're in the bathroom washing your hands, take a second and tell yourself you love you. The next part is internalizing the fact that you are sexy and confident whether you feel like it or not, because your partner sees you for who you are, not like you see you for your flaws. Now onto stripping, squirting, and lap dances.

We have two blogs on how to do a strip tease "The Dirty Details: Tips & Tricks for His Pleasure" I know it says "for his pleasure" but the first part is all about stripping. There's also: "How to Do A Strip Tease: Sexy Tips to Drive Them Wild" and here's another on how to make her squirt: "Unlock the Mystery: How to Make Her Squirt." As for suspenders there's Second Skin Hot Pants with Suspenders, we know the shorts aren't necessarily panties, but they look pretty good together if you ask me. Also, here's a link to our whole collection of black panties. Some may be a different color before you click on them, but they should all be available in black. There's also some lingerie sets that include black panties.

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