POSTED ON August 7, 2019
I see people and couples messing this up all the time, so I get FIRED UP about this, because I know how much better your relationship and life can be if you literally just had some small tweaks here and there. Ok, let's get down to it!
This is not complicated, at all. It's as simple (not easy) as these words:
Focus. Listen. Take Action.
That's it. Seriously. All you have to do to be romantic is focus, listen, and act.
**Here's the single most important point of this article: Take relationship advice from couples who have great relationships/marriages. Credibility comes not from how long you've known them but the quality of their relationship or whatever you're seeking advice on.
For example: Divorce is rampant in America today. If your Mom & Dad have been divorced twice (or any number of times) despite knowing them your whole life, they're not good people to go to for how to have a good marriage. You could ask them who not to marry, but not who to marry, because they haven't had any success with that.
Disclaimer: I'm sure your parents are wonderful people. I'm not slamming them or anyone else that has ever been divorced. Part of romantic intelligence is knowing where to go for advice. You don't ask your doctor how to be a football pro the same way you don't ask a divorcee how to have a successful relationship. Also, for the sake of brevity & clarity I will be using more heteronormative language.
Tip: (totally unrelated from the above) Men just want to be validated. Women just want to feel loved. Men want to solve problems and women (sometimes) just want to be heard. More to come on this later.
Focus on your partner. Now, this does not mean hovering over them with your eyes glued to them 100% of the time. Focusing on them means being aware of them, their interests, preferences, likes & dislikes. It also means they're a high priority of yours. You're attentive to their needs and desires. You're consciously aware of the world around you two and not sucked into the void of your phone, novel idea huh??
Listening ties into focus a lot, because if you aren't focused how are you truly listening? There's a big difference between listening and hearing. The vast majority of people out there listen to reply (aka hearing) not listening to understand. Listen to understand and your relationship will improve by leaps and bounds.
Hint: more times than not, what your significant other is saying is not what they're trying to communicate. There's generally, not always, but generally another layer or two below what they're actually saying. This is how a lot of fights spring up because there's a miscommunication on a basic level, generally because one person or both aren't actually listening to what and HOW they're saying it. There's a lot more to communication than words.
Now that you're focused and are listening, you can start acting. This is putting everything you know into practice. Example: If your partner says they don't like a certain kind of food, when they ask you where you want to go for date night, do not say that kind of food. Example: If your partner says they love it when you do a certain thing in the bedroom, keep doing that thing! Do not just forget it.
This is more than just doing the things they say they like. Taking action to be romantic looks like getting good at giving gifts. Yes, handmade gifts, even as an adult are good, but this does not mean arts and crafts time. The three best examples I've ever heard of are these: a list of 100 reasons why you love them, a list of 365 reasons why you're thankful for them (write one a day from Thanksgiving Day to Thanksgiving Day) and then present it to them, 10 love letters detailing what you love about them, what you're thankful for, what about them makes you happy, why you're happy they came into your life, all the dirty things you want to do to them, the list of things to write about can go on and on.
Maybe you pick up additional chores around the house or run more errands for them. If they have a higher sex drive than you, maybe you indulge them more often than you're feeling it (but not every time they're horny). You want to make sure your partner is sexually satisfied, but if they want to fuck twice a day everyday and you're good with twice a week, then you two should talk about that. One of you might need to invest in a good vibrator. Maybe it's just as simple as saying "I love you more" or a more passionate kiss before they leave for work.
Men just want to be validated. Women just want to feel loved.
The argument of whether or not men and women inherently think different is as old as time. I won't debate either way but one thing that seems clear as crystal is this: they have different expectations and communicate differently.
Men just want to feel supported and be told that they're doing a good job, throw in some food and sex and you got yourself a lifelong partner. Women want to feel loved. They want to feel and know that their partner is actively involved in caring for them. Now, this is not to be confused with needing things done for them. Women as a group are strong, talented, & skilled people that society does NOT give enough credit to. Sorry, rant over. Taking care of women looks like this: letting them know you love them (which could be a whole article itself), satisfying their sexual needs, being romantic with gifts and dates. Dinner and a movie is great only so many times.
Men want to solve problems and women (sometimes) just want to be heard.
I give this answer to so many people it's ridiculous. The best example is when a girl asks the guy whether or not a certain outfit looks good. The guy gives his opinion and the girl chooses the other one. The guy then gets offended, because he doesn't feel validated/valued, and either closes up and/or gets irritable which makes the girl feel unloved and a fight ensues.
In this example, she's still looking for an answer, and she does take it into consideration, whether you think so or not, but what guys need to understand is that it's not a slam on them if she doesn't pick the dress you choose.
Now ladies, if your man is really doing something wrong and/or dangerous, do not support him, please tell him so in an appropriate and non-nagging way. Now gents, please please please listen to your ladies more often. Chances are, they are way smarter than you think. Not that you think they're not smart, but generally women are more intelligent then man give them credit for.
What NOT to Do
This is a list of things to NOT do if you want to be more romantic
- Ignore them
- Buy roses/chocolate or beer/watches/whatever generic gift guys get thinking they'll absolutely love it
- Prioritize your friends over them
- Friends are great, but overrated
- There's multiple layers to this argument, but on a basic level, who would you care for more: someone you've committed your life to and are legally binded to or another person that you enjoy being around, but isn't in your family aka a friend?
- Friends are great, but overrated
- Prioritize your orgasm/pleasure over theirs
- Make messes and not clean them up
- This one is for guys and girls
- Consistently get drunk without them
- If you both want to consistently get drunk together, go for it!
- Live your best life
- When you make food, only make enough for yourself
- Even if they don't want it then, it's ok to have leftovers