Curious about kink, but not sure if BDSM is right for you? Maybe you’re into the idea, but haven’t started the conversation with your partner yet. Perhaps you already have some gear in your pleasure chest, but it’s gathering dust because you don’t know what to do with it. This post is for you! We’ll give a quick rundown of the basics to initiate the uninitiated, then offer a few tips to make sure you’re really “doing it right”, even if you’re not a beginner. Strap in and read on for some tips to take your bondage in the boudoir to the next level.
Help, I’m new!
If this is your first foray into the world of BDSM, welcome! While it’s not for everyone, it does bring a whole world of possibility to the love lives of many people. First of all, BDSM is an acronym that actually has a couple words paired with each letter; it stands for Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, and Sadism & Masochism. Those last two especially sound a little dark and may turn some newcomers off before they even begin, but just know it doesn’t have to be that scary or serious; most people get a big thrill from little, controlled amounts of fear and pain, and that’s all we’re talking about here. BDSM is probably what’s going on in the first image that pops into most people’s minds when they hear the words “kink” or “fetish”. Many people have at least a latent interest in the unusual or the taboo, and BDSM is a great way to use those kinks to get your rocks off and bond with your partner. After you bring up the topic, you can both make lists of what you’re interested in trying, as well as your “hard limits” – those things that are absolute no-nos in any situation. BDSM is all about exploring new territories and pushing boundaries with your sex partner, but it’s also all about consent, safety, respect, and open communication.
Setting the Scene
A BDSM or bondage play/lovemaking session is often referred to as a scene; think about it like a scene in a play or movie. Before you begin a session, talk with your partner about what you want out of it. Are you role-playing certain characters or a certain scenario? Who, if anyone, is going to take the lead? Do you want the session to end in sex, or do you just want to push the dark fantasies to the extreme? Rough or romantic? What basic aspects under the BDSM umbrella are you going for this time? If it’s the dominance & submission bit, this is a good time to choose who does what. Some people always prefer to be dominant while some always like to be submissive, while in some couples, partners take turns playing those roles. Decide if you need any special erotic lingerie or men’s wear (kinksters love our leather!), role play costumes, props (other than your gear…we’ll get there in a second…ice cubes, anyone?), and what the mood lighting and setting should be for your scene. Need more ideas? Books about bondage play can be informational and inspirational, and you can glean ideas and tips from watching some of the plethora of erotic, kinky videos out there. The more prep time you spend at the beginning, the more you can focus on the fantasy and get into it in the moment with your partner.
Gearing Up
Before you begin a scene, you also want to make sure you have any gear you may want to use close at hand. What you will you use depends on the nature of your scene, what you’re comfortable with, and what you have on hand. Many couples, especially newcomers, find that handcuffs are a good place to start for bondage play. There are easy-to-use Velcro ones you can start with if you find more complicated cuffs intimidating at first. Restraints are the next level of tie-me-down fun, and come in every version from simple silk ribbons to elaborate strap systems you place under the bed. A paddle or flogger for spanking is a necessity for most doms; choose one that feels good to both of you, and remember that you only want to inflict levels of pain within your comfort zones. Blindfolds are great for sensory play, or as a way of limiting what a submissive player can see and do, and a ball gag is an ultimate way of taking control. Whatever equipment you’re using make sure to have it all handy where you are going to be playing so you don’t have to break the scene to get things. Oh, and don’t forget the lube! The sex you’re going to have is supposed to push the limits, but still be pleasurable!
What’s the Safe Word?
All BDSM players should establish a safe word or words before they begin. A safe word is like a verbal pause button a participant can use if they get even the slightest bit uncomfortable (physically or emotionally) with what’s going on. Your safe words should be something out of the ordinary, that you would not regularly need to utter during sex or your BDSM scene; “No” and “Stop” do not make good safe words, because you might commonly use them as part of your role play. Think about those internet security questions – the name of your first pet, your childhood street name, your favorite kitchen utensil…THOSE are good safe words! If either partner uses the safe word at any point during your play session, stop immediately. Break scene or break character, as an actor might say, and reassess the situation. If you can fix what went wrong and continue, great! If not, that’s okay too. Especially if BDSM is new to both of you, you might need some bumpy trial runs to really get comfortable with it. Just make sure you always communicate openly and honestly, and every session can be a sensual learning experience with takeaways for the next time.
All about the Aftercare, Baby
In BDSM, “aftercare” is just as important as the scene (and any ensuing sex) itself; It’s an emotional and physical check-in with each other after you’re done playing. Especially if you’ve just completed a rough or harsh scene, or if you’re delving into the sadism/masochism or verbal abuse or humiliation aspects more than you’re used to, you need to have a soothing, enthusiastic, honest conversation afterwards to make sure everyone’s ok with what went down. Even the most open-minded participants may have some hang-ups or hard limits, and you need to discuss these so you don’t cross those lines again. Talk, cuddle, give each other massages (the warm oil from a massage candle can be a relaxing but edgy way to wrap things up!), get cleaned up & treat any injuries if necessary, hydrate, cuddle some more, and then go to sleep dreaming up how you’re going to play next time!
