Sexual compatibility is important in any relationship, and even more so when the two of you have very different ideas of what constitutes “good sex.” Specifically, we’re talking about when a person who prefers their sex to come with safe words and power plays starts dating a person who has never done anything like that before. If the nonsexual aspects of your relationship are fantastic – you have the same sense of humor, you mesh really well together, you have similar interests – then obviously you can’t simply dump your partner in favor of someone more familiar with your desired style of bedroom activities. So what do you do? It’s simple; you do what always needs to be done in a kinky relationship: communicate.
You can start feeling them out, if they aren’t aware of what you’re into or that you’ll eventually want it with them, by mentioning things like “I think it’d be nice if you held me down or I held you down while we had sex,” or if you see something kinky in media, comment “That seems like it’d be fun, what do you think?” Or, you could go straight to the point. Sit them down, and say something like “I really like you, I really like being with you, the sex is great, but it’s not quite enough for me. I’d really like to try something like…” and then you suggest what might be a milder version of things you know you’d enjoy. Start with holding each other down if you’re into restraints, before graduating to fuzzy handcuffs and eventually something more intense. I mention fuzzy handcuffs specifically because they have such a prominent media presence these days, and are generally viewed as a non-threatening bit of fun. They make a good stepping stone to more intense things like full-bed restraints and spreader bars, if that’s what you are eventually going for.
Include your partner while shopping for the kinky things you want. Even if you already have some in your collection, it might be better to start off with new items for use specifically with this partner. The idea that you already have a full toy box of items well-used with other people can be intimidating and something of a turn-off for people new to a kinky relationship, or even new to using toys in general. Once your partner agrees to play, you need to discuss safe words with your partner. Safe words (or gestures or signals, if you enjoy gags and the like) are an integral, necessary part of any scene. Contrary to popular media portrayal, partners in a proper kinky relationship never do anything without each other’s consent, and that consent can be revoked at any time during sex – and absolutely should be revoked if you or your partner do something that the other doesn’t like, even if you really, honestly thought it would be a lot of fun when you discussed it beforehand. Most importantly and above all: have fun!
