Ask the Intimacy Advisor: Pleasing your Partner to Please Yourself

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Welcome back to another edition of “Ask The Intimacy Advisor”. This month’s questions seemed to circle around the theme of sexual reciprocity…the idea that because your partner does certain things for you, you want to be able to do certain things for them…even though it may not be your favorite thing in the world to do. Humans are hardwired to be pretty selfish creatures, so sometimes it takes a lot of mental gymnastics to get to a place where you can truly be a generous lover, and want to do things just because you know it brings your partner pleasure…especially when it comes to oral sex. It feels good to make your lover feel good, and we all like what we like! Let’s tackle a few of your questions around this theme…hopefully the answers can help the original askers, as well as many other readers, because these are very common concerns within many relationships!

Question: Sex has been a not-so-common thing lately. My husband is a nurse, so it goes without saying that he has been VERY busy with work. He has a weekend coming up where he has 3 days off in a row and I want to take care of him in a few ways. First, I would like to help him reduce some stress. And second…he always says he would love it if I initiated and took control during sex. I want to go all out on that and totally blow his mind! What would be a good way to help him with the stress? With how hard he’s been working, he needs some major relief. For the initiating and taking control, what would some “winners” be? I want to give him the best weekend I can! ~ Shy One

Great question, Shy One. First off, MASSIVE props and gratitude to your husband and ALL other healthcare, frontline, and essential workers who have been doing so much with so little for such a long time. It is awesome that you want to bring him comfort, sexual pleasure, and fun for his long weekend off…hopefully he’ll be able to stay awake long enough to enjoy it! I’m sure he is absolutely drained.

I think I have an idea for you that will serve both purposes in your question; helping him to relax and de-stress, and also initiating sex and taking control: Intimate massage! Human touch and physical closeness are such huge stress relievers and mood boosters, especially in the pandemic era of physical & social distancing. Intimate massage , which you can get even more ideas for in the book “Erotic Massage for Couples” or from this previous post, will give you two a chance to physically bond and reconnect…plus, it gives you an easy excuse to make him take off his clothes first! To get started, simply tell your hubby you want to give him a special treat. Set a peaceful spa mood by lighting some candles and playing some soft, romantic music. Begin to undress him…here’s your first layer of initiating…and coax him to lie down on the bed or a heap of blankets on the floor…wherever you two will be most comfortable and where you’ll have the most room to move around. Start out by just being physically close to him, skin to skin. Cuddle, caress his arms, place your hands on his back…this is your warm-up time leading to what comes next. Communicate with him about if any parts of his body are tense or painful, then start to rub to get a sense of the pressure he likes.

Now it’s time for the massage oil! My absolute favorite, especially when it’s one person giving the other a massage with the eventual intent of getting it on (as opposed to couples taking turns massaging each other), is the Organica Kissable Massage Oil from Shunga, available in Exotic Green Tea – a light, subtly fruity scent, and Almond Sweetness – a rich, warm, sweet oil that will remind you of toasted almonds. Start with a dime-sized amount…a little goes a long way, and you can always add more later. Warm the oil by rubbing your hands together, then place them on hubby’s back, starting at the shoulders. Use your hands as if you were drawing designs into sand, then smoothing it out. Try firmer pressure on the tight spots to help relax the muscles, but avoid using your thumbs a lot or your hands will get tired fast! You can even add something like a rollerball massage glove or a vibrating wand (they’re not JUST for your genitals!) to help soothe those stress knots. Once his upper body has been massaged and relaxed, it’s time to start the best part of your master plan! Begin touching and kissing him in more and more surprising places…see why we used the kissable massage oil? Focus on the erogenous zones like his neck, ears, the small of his back, and even the backs of his knees. From there, flip him over and start truly taking control and initiating sex. Rip your clothes off or let him…if they’re not off already…and flip him over for some collarbone kisses or a quick makeout sesh. Run your hands up his inner thighs and around his genitals without actually touching them at first…he’ll know exactly what you’re up to immediately and be thrilled to start participating…and I’m sure you can take it from there! Enjoy!

Question: I don’t have an issue giving oral sex to my boyfriend, but I do have a problem with his ejaculation. When I know he’s about to cum, I can feel the pulsing of the shaft, I hesitate because I hate the taste and texture of it. How do I get past being scared of the ejaculation and be able to swallow too? His also doesn’t taste good because he drinks beer. Help! ~ Ace 7

Good question, Ace, and believe me…you are NOT alone in having this hangup. It is nice of you, especially for your boyfriend, that you are willing to try and conquer your fear to give him that type of pleasure, especially if it is something he really enjoys. First off, you don’t always have to swallow when you you give him oral sex…you can get him to the brink with your mouth, then take over with your hand until he cums, or even slap on a flavored condom for the last bit…but if the swallowing is a big turn-on and something that’s important to both of you, here are some tips.

The taste and texture of semen varies from man to man and day to day, but remarkably has very little to do with eating or drinking certain things, unless they eat a LOT of a certain thing…so you probably won’t think it tastes much better even if he abstains from drinking beer for a week. There is some anecdotal evidence that suggests that eating a super-healthy diet of tons of fruit and veggies can make the semen taste better, or that things like alcohol, cigarettes, and medications can make the semen taste worse, but generally there’s not enough of any one thing in someone’s system to sway that taste one way or the other. He CAN help you out, though, by staying hydrated with WATER. Drinking plenty of water means that more excess will be available for his semen, thinning it out a bit and making it not taste so strong. On that note, if you know you’re going to be performing oral on him, make sure YOU have a glass of water on the nightstand to wash it down with when you finish…there’s absolutely no shame in that, and it will help get the taste and texture out of harm’s way more quickly.

Beyond that, if you just want to make his semen more palatable, you can try a flavored product, a numbing product, or a combination of both. Flavored lubes like Wicked Aqua (favorites: Pink Lemonade and Cherry) are a great place to start. Even though you don’t traditionally need lube for giving a guy a BJ (your saliva does the work there), you can use it JUST for the flavor. Rub a little on his penis when you’re about halfway through so it has time to coat your mouth and register as the main thing you taste even after he cums. A throat relaxing spray can help calm that gag reflex too, which may be triggered when swallowing, and the tasty flavors like Deeply Love You in Salted Carmel or ProBlo in Refreshing Mint will both provide that tingly numbing sensation, plus a strong enough flavor to help drown out his taste. Preparing your mindset for it can help, too…when you feel him almost ready to cum, just psych yourself up for a few sips of smoothie, a swig of warm soup, or even a “Blow Job” shot (whatever is most comforting to you), and down the hatch quickly. Your boyfriend will appreciate you being so willing to overcome your fears and do something so out of your comfort zone just to make him happy!

My boyfriend is sensitive to smell, so he hasn’t given me oral. How can I convince him to, other than the obvious cleansing? ~ Samantha

I’m sorry to hear that, Samantha…that is definitely frustrating. This one is definitely a “him” hang-up more than a “you” hang-up. Make sure you’re communicating with him and letting him know that you’d like for him to try performing oral sex on you…it might honestly not be on his radar. Once he knows for sure, he needs to get himself to a place where he is mentally ready to overcome that sensitivity so he can better please you, just like Ace above is willing to overcome her fear of ejaculation to give her partner better oral. As harsh as it sounds, he genuinely needs to just get over it! He might actually find that he comes to enjoy the way you smell and taste!

You nailed it with the cleansing part, so try to make sure you are freshly showered before he goes down on you, but there are a few additional things you can try. You might want to try a pH-balanced, gentle feminine wash, like Sliquid Balance Splash Wash, but always avoid chemical douches or harsh soap on your lady bits. Staying well-hydrated can improve the smell and taste of your vaginal secretions as well, so drink that water! While a healthy diet can slightly affect your odor for the better, a woman’s odor and taste is also altered by hormones, stress, her cycle, and a million other uncontrollable things. Wearing cotton underwear can be a big help, too. As long as you’re freshly cleaned, though there should be little lingering odor, he can also use a flavored lube with a strong but pleasing scent, like Naughty Nectarines or Fresh Strawberries from Intimate Earth. He could also try putting a few drops of an essential oil he finds pleasant on a tissue and keeping it nearby, so that smell overwhelms the smell of anything you’ve got going on down there. And as one final silly-sounding but honest tip, he could try wearing a nose clip meant for swimming…he’d have to come up for air more often and breathe through his mouth, but it would deaden the scent sensation and some of the taste that may trigger his sensitivity. I hope he’s willing to work to overcome this so he can rock your world!

If he gives it his all and still just can’t push through, but you’re craving that sensation of oral, there are some toys that can mimic it for you, pretty darn effectively I might add! Try the Womanizer Classic for that air-powered gentle suck & blow sensation, the Inspire Tongue Flickering Vibrator if you’re more into that fast tongue flicking on your clitoris, or the new Filare from Lora DiCarlo, which uses raised beads under silky smooth silicone and micro-robotic rotations to simulate a tongue circling around on your most sensitive parts! Hopefully your partner is willing to work with you to bring you oral pleasure, but there’s no shame in doing the next best thing to please yourself if he can’t!

Good luck, everybody, on working with communication, compromise, and generosity with your lovers! ‘Tis the season for pleasin’.

Yours,

~ The Intimacy Advisor

the author

Kristin T.

A former teacher & trusted relationship expert, Kristin writes science & health-conscious advice that she hopes can help everyone enjoy sex & intimacy more.
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