Ask the Intimacy Advisor: Kinks & Curiosities

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You ask, the Intimacy Advisor answers! This month’s questions and answers are all focused around the theme of “kinks” or fetishes. Everyone has them, everyone’s are different, and there’s no reason to be ashamed about them…but it’s hard to know where to turn for questions and guidance about them, and it can be even harder to know how to talk to your partner about your particular interests! We’ll also answer a few quick n’ dirty questions about the products on offer at Lover’s Lane stores and SexDrive.com, where you can shop for all of your sexual needs discreetly. Read on for the lowdown…just because you didn’t ask doesn’t mean you aren’t curious, too!


How can I introduce my endless need to experiment and try different kinks in bed with my girl and convey those desires about role reversal and more extensive play involving switching sub/dom roles, and so much more without sounding intimidating or scary to her? (Although she states she will try anything once and loves what little I have experienced with her to this point, I am afraid that some of my desires or kinks or fantasies would scare her off if shared). ~ Mad Cow Racing

Communication is key here, Mad Cow Racing! It sounds like you’ve broached the subject a bit in the past, and have the right questions in mind now to set up a very easy conversation with your partner. She has stated in the past that, “she’ll try anything once”, but everyone has their hard limits (kinks or types of play they will absolutely not even humor the idea of participating in), so discuss those first and steer clear of hers…and yours. As a general rule, you shouldn’t want to do anything to a partner that you’re not willing to have done to yourself.

As for a good way of approaching the topic with her, go shopping online together (at SexDrive.com, for instance) and show her some of the items you’re interested in, or if you have some of your own gear already, show her your stuff and talk with her about what it’s for and how you’d like to use it with her, if she’s open to that. Since you mention sub/dom roles and the possibility of role reversal, maybe consider buying her a few pieces for both roles, like a powerful paddle for when she’s in charge, and a sexy slave collar and leash for when you are.

If you’re familiar with some quality videos of some of the kinks you’re interested in exploring with her, this can be a good way to break the ice, too, although I know that can be a taboo topic all on its own! If she’s open to the idea though, watching something play out between other people before engaging in it on your own can be a good no-risk introduction to the kinds of pleasurable experiences you have in mind.

During an erotic play session or “scene”, it is always important to establish a safe word, and/or use a “green/yellow/red” system of communication, as well as a nonverbal cue that things are getting to be too much. You can read more about some of these important BDSM basics here. If you always maintain open communication, respect your partner’s limits, and engage in aftercare, you should leave yourself pretty open to exploring plenty of kinky and exciting things with your lover to make sure you’re never bored!

I’ve been getting accustomed to bigger toys lately, but I’m not sure if I should get a large butt plug or large anal beads (3.25 inch diameter would be a minimum for me). ~ C.D.

Good question, C.D.! I’m sure you’ve heard the term “size queen” for someone who prefers larger-than-average penises…there’s no reason this principle can’t apply to preferences for anal penetration, too! Long story short, if it brings you pleasure and it doesn’t hurt, feel free to do all the experimentation you desire in this department! It sounds like you’ve done your due diligence in working up to larger sizes of plugs gradually, and that’s key.  Anal training sets usually include graduated sizes of plugs, so you can start with the smallest and work your way up as you become more comfortable…and the largest size is pretty girthy! This set from B-vibe is great for you or any beginners to butt stuff because it comes with an anal douche, a lube shooter, and a very informative guide.

You are wise to mention the diameter as the dimension you are looking to increase, as that is most likely what will bring you a new and challenging sensation, as opposed to greater length. If you’re ready to go big, the Oxballs Ergo Large Silicone Butt Plug or the Anal Adventures XXL Plug may give you the uh…fulfilment…you’re seeking. You might also get off by adding some vibration to your butt stuff, like with the B-Vibe Twist Textured Plug or the Triplet Anal Beads, both plenty girthy for experienced users. For the ultimate experience in size sensation without the difficulty of inserting a very large plug, an inflatable plug may be the best way to go for you!

Here are a few key considerations for you as you embark on this adventure, or good rules of thumb for anyone experimenting with anal toys:

  • Only use plugs, beads, and anal toys with flared bases and/or removal loops. Anything else can get lost inside you, and there’s nothing sexy about a trip to the E.R with that problem.
  • Never insert anything that is not meant to be a sex toy (food, household objects, etc.) inside you. 
  • Use plenty of lube made for anal play, but safe for toys. A Lubricant Applicator can help get the lube inside where it needs to be.
  • Get as aroused as possible before you begin and focus on insertion slowly and with the right mindset.
  • Take it slow. If you encounter any pain, tearing sounds, unusual sensations, or blood, STOP immediately! Your body will tell you if you’re going too far.

And while we’re on the subject of anal play and the love of all things booty, let’s tackle a couple more quick curiosity questions:

I’m trying to find open back lingerie and maybe some fun butt stuff or things to draw attention for my partner. ~ Tiffany

You’ve come to the right place, Tiffany! Lover’s Lane stores and loverslane.com have all sorts of beautiful lingerie for every body, including products that will absolutely beautify the booty!

Try a stunning chemise like the Simple Symmetry Chemise to accentuate all your curves! Chemises fit like a snug slip, so they are easy to hike up to reveal the butt when it’s playtime. Babydolls and dresses…anything with an open bottom…are also great choices.

My absolute favorite type of lingerie for drawing attention to that derriere is the bodystocking! If you wear a piece like the smoking hot Garter Crotchless Bodystocking or the classy but sassy Off the Shoulder Diamond Bodystocking without a g-string or panty underneath, they will frame your butt for a picture perfect ‘fit…and they make for easy access for sexy time, too! 😉

In the toy department, you can’t get much more attention-grabbing than a literal light show, like the Booty Sparks 7x Light Up Rechargeable Anal Plug. Its medium size is perfect for beginners and experienced plug lovers alike, and it vibrates and lights up for super fun solo or partnered play!

I am trying to find a butt plug for my girlfriend who has never inserted a plug before. what do you suggest? ~ The Doorbell Ringer

You can read a bit more about butt plug play above, but for an absolute beginner, the biggest keys are 1) Keep it small, and 2) Use lube. Some women absolutely love the feeling of a butt plug, and some just don’t and never will, so be prepared for that possibility going into it, and don’t get discouraged if it’s not her thing. The Ribbed Diamond Heart Butt Plug or the Glams Rainbow Gem Mini Plug are great choices for a silicone starter toy, or the Rear Assets Clear Gem Plug is a fun beginner option for a metal plug. If she likes it from trying one, you can then move on to a trainer set, perfect for taking the next steps and gradually increasing in size.

I was curious if there was a product for men or women that sort of swells or tingles? ~ Kitty

You’re talking about sexual enhancements, Kitty, and there sure are!! Here are my top three for women and top three for men, but there’s a whole world of them to explore!

For Her:

  1. Intense Clitoral Gel from Intimate Earth: This product uses natural Japanese peppermint oil for an unforgettable tingly sensation which will enhance every touch of your clitoris during solo play or partnered sex.
  2. Rain of Love G-spot Cream from Shunga: Made to be applied inside, this cream will take your G-spot orgasms to a level you never thought possible.
  3. High on Love Stimulating O Gel: Infused with hemp oil, just a little dab will create a buzzy and relaxing sensation to intensify your clitoral orgasms.

For Him:

  1. MaxSize Male Enhancement Cream: This cream can help increase a man’s girth and help him maintain longer, stronger erections. It can be used just before sex, or regularly for long term maintenance of the effects.
  2. Dragon Virility Cream: This topical cream provides a tingly but pleasurable fire & ice sensation that will keep you pleasing your partner into the wee hours of the night.
  3. CBD Cannabis Delay Gel: If you’re looking for help with lasting longer, look no further. While it doesn’t swell or tingle per say, it does assist with desensitizing the penis to allow you more time to enjoy the pleasures of sex.

There are also tingly or warming stimulating lubes like On Insane and On Insane Ice, and enhancement sets for couples like the Naughty Geisha Kit from Shunga, which allows you to try many of these products to see which ones give you your best sex yet!

Do you sell gay pride merchandise? ~ James

We sure do, James! Lover’s Lane strives to be a store for ALL lovers, and as such we offer a few year-round pride offerings. The easiest way of finding all of what’s in stock in one place is using the search term “pride” and/or “rainbow” on the loverslane.com website. There are sashes for pre-marriage, coming out, or transition parties, favors for the proud the bachelor or bachelorette, and great rainbow candy novelties. There’s also fabulous rainbow fashions and accessories to make you the envy of your next parade, and even pride-themed sex toys! Make sure to check back closer to June for an even larger seasonal selection of pride related garb! Now go forth and live with pride!

the author

Kristin T.

A former teacher & trusted relationship expert, Kristin writes science & health-conscious advice that she hopes can help everyone enjoy sex & intimacy more.