Okay, Thanksgiving Day arrives at a time when it is a little too late for turkey breeding season, which typically occurs between late spring and early summer, according to modernfarmer.com. Like most young (but seriously, all) men do year-round, that’s when the male turkeys “begin focusing on basically nothing besides sex.”
“Their entire days are spent displaying,” continues writer Dan Nosowitz in his article “Everything You Want to Know about Turkey Sex” in the November 2016 issue. “For a turkey that means standing upright with tail feathers fanned out, wings dragging on the ground, their fleshy wattles (on the neck and throat) and snood (above the beak) swollen and bright red – or, as we called them in another article, ‘facial boners’ – and emitting very loud gobble-gobble noises.”
Nevertheless, in the human realm, Thanksgiving is usually not considered the sexiest of holidays. Certainly nowhere near the erotic altitude that Valentine’s Day can attain. Instead of drooling about what we want to do to our partners later, most of us are salivating wildly as we dream about tucking in a napkin and tucking into a scrumptious feast of turkey breasts and legs dripping cranberry sauce and luxuriously slathered in sweet potato casserole, Waldorf salad and a plethora of pumpkin, peach, mincemeat, and fruits of the forest pies. Sorry, I got a little carried away with delicious meal memories of T-Days past.
“Thanksgiving is mostly about… eating,” wrote Erika W. Smith in “Thanksgiving Sex Stories That Are Better Than Cranberry Sauce” for refinery29.com in November 2019. “And having sex with a very full stomach can be uncomfortable. After Thanksgiving dinner, I just want to nap.”
But au contraire, my fowl, long-necked and feathery frère. “Thanksgiving may be sexier than you think, though,” she continues. “According to a survey by OnlineGambling.ca, more Americans conceive children on Thanksgiving than any other holiday, though Valentine’s Day was a close second. As the Daily Mail headline reads, “It’s not just the turkey getting stuffed!”
Bedsider.org recommends that you tell everyone you need to take a nap after ingesting so many ceiling-high piles of food or wait until everyone else goes to bed if you want to enjoy a little post-pie and red wine rendezvous with your honey. This clever guide to devising wise plans for “How to have sex while staying at your parent’s house for Thanksgiving: Defiling your childhood bedroom in 5 easy steps” takes you through some ingenious approaches to doing the naughty turkey tango on this classic American holiday. Sure, you probably won’t fool anyone, but you’ll have heaps of fun trying.
If you would like some additional and more rational, less tongue-in-cheek advice to help you enjoy tasty Thanksgiving sex that will enhance your holiday memories, read “The Dos and Don’ts of Sex After Thanksgiving Dinner” from ellaparadis. Their philosophy is built on the belief that getting in shape with some exercise before the holiday and not overeating at the T-Day table will lead to better boffing in the boudoir for dessert.
“The average American consumes 3,000 to 4,500 calories on Thanksgiving,” the article informs. “That’s about twice as many calories as the typical person needs in a day. When you eat that much, you can expect to feel bloated and sleepy. In other words, you can expect to feel the opposite of sexy.”
Of course, sexperts worldwide agree, a full belly does not an ideal après turkey tryst make.
“You might as well forget about trying anything that’s too enthusiastic,” the article drolly deadpans. “Bouncing around will lead to discomfort and increase the likelihood of increased flatulence. Keep your positions simple so you and your partner can have fun without feeling ill or embarrassed.”
Of course, on this day of contented gratitude, it helps to arrive at the most decadent of delicious devourathons with a selection of fun but fitting positions in your breadbasket brain, so that you and your partner can party and get busy like springtime turkeys. This year, Cosmo’s Jill Hamilton prepared a perfect platter of pleasurable positions in her article “18 Thanksgiving Sex Positions You’ll Definitely Be Grateful For.”
“Thanksgiving might be the most delicious holiday, but it doesn’t come without its stressors,” Hamilton writes. “Considering all the pie consumption, themed cocktails, and the quest for the perfect pumpkincore decor, it’s easy for the main message (the giving thanks part) to get lost in the sauce (er…gravy?). So why not give a ~very special~ thanks to your partner with lots of praise (the very best love language, IMO) and a cornucopia of Thanksgiving sex positions?”
For her article she’s compiled a long list of sexy positions accompanied by illustrations to give you visual guidance while attempting to engage in those all fairly simple though some tantrically informed stances and postures. She also had fun composing appropriate names for each, from “The Naked Yab-Yummy” and “The Just One More Please” to “The Turkey Trot” and “The Twisted Dinner Roll.” Oh, and “Licking the Beater” looks quite tantalizing and “The Gravy Train” and “The Trussed Bird” will leave you starved for more.
Still, make sure you take the time to thoroughly enjoy but also deeply appreciate the multiple rewards of powerful, beautiful sex with the most important person in your love life.
As Hamilton points out in her article, “Sex is about way more than intercourse, so in the spirit of giving thanks, share with your partner what you love about your sex life,” she says founder of Beyond The Beez, Elizabeth Ashford suggests. “Sit with each other and take five to 10 minutes to chat about your favorite sexual experiences together. Reflect on verbal cues, the way your partner touches you, activities you like—the more descriptive the better! You might find that this is all the foreplay you need to get things feeling hot and heavy because, don’t forget, your brain is your biggest sex organ!”
So no matter what intimate encounters or delectable position(s) you choose to indulge in this holiday, turkeys, make sure you keep the “thanks” in Thanksgiving with your lover. Remind them of the many reasons you’re thankful to have them in your life, and be grateful for any intimate time you have enough energy to enjoy, and you’re sure to have a happy, horny holiday!
