Asking for (and Offering) the Sex you Both Crave

by Erica G.

November 1, 2021


The day-to-day routine that many of us find ourselves in can lead to fatigue, stress…and unfortunately, a lowered sexual appetite. Combine that with the requirements of work, kids, and all those other responsibilities, and suddenly just finding the time & energy to have sex disappears. Especially if you have been in the same relationship for a while, you may have noticed the sex just doesn’t come as easily as it used to. So what happens when you still want it to be a frequent thing and your lover doesn’t seem to?  You have to ask nicely!

Life constantly pulls us in many different directions , and the daily distractions seem endless. Mix in some potential anxiety about asking for sex, especially if you both have the same reservations about initiating, and it can be double trouble. No matter the obstacles, though, it’s important to not let a healthy sex life get lost in the shuffle. In order for sex to happen, one of you either needs to ask or offer. Like most good things in life, you have to put in a bit of extra effort to get the sex you want!

While communicating about sex may be a labor of love, it should never begin to feel like a chore. Make sure you reciprocate, too…if it’s always the same partner asking, the desire can seem pretty one-sided. If you want to initiate but can’t bring yourself to ask, there’s nothing wrong with dressing up like a present and offering your love.

Communication is important, and so is just paying attention to your lover. Find ways to spark their interest in you and in sex with you that may have been in hiding since the relationship was brand new.  If you are stuck wondering where things went wrong or are looking for an approach to bring your steamy sex life back from the dead, here are a few tips to help make it easy to get sex back on your schedule!

Find the Right Words

The spoken word is obviously our first resource when asking for sex, but we have to finesse it a little. For some, it’s not as simple as just saying ‘hey, I want some’. Believe it or not, though, being direct could be the key to having sex more often. You may catch your partner off guard (at first), but you may also turn them on in the process! Instead of tiptoeing around the subject, try to look your partner in the eyes and say, “I would really like to make love to you right now.” Delivery is important; remember you don’t want to sound insincere or too demanding. Start with a simple “Hey, let’s have sex”, or “You look amazing in that dress, but I can’t wait to get you out of it!” and see how it goes!

No matter how you ask, you may still get denied from time to time. It happens to everyone! Life gets in the way sometimes, and maybe your partner’s mind is just not in the right place today.  That’s fine; there’s always tomorrow.  Remember to be kind…you would expect the same response if you’re the one not in the mood.  But verbally letting your lover know you want to have sex is always a great first step toward making sex more of a priority.  And talking dirty once you get it makes it all the more enjoyable.

Make a Move

This is an area where we need to take body language very literally. Sometimes initiating sex can be as simple as physically reminding your partner that you find them attractive and want to show them through some serious affection. It sounds silly, but our memory in that area truly is not great. If we go too long without being physically intimate, we can literally forget that our partner desires us.  An extra-long kiss or a tight embrace out of the blue can help remind them of your feelings and may light the spark for something more.

Any intimate physical touch that is a little out of the ordinary for you can be an indication to your lover that you are feeling amorous for them. If you are normally the little spoon, be the big spoon. Brush your hand softly down “that spot” you know they love. If your usual kisses are just pecks on the lips, linger a little longer.  Or kiss and nibble their neck or ears instead. Any move you can make to get the focus on your bodies being together is better than doing nothing. Your body language attempts may not always result in sex, but even just being physically intimate is a good start. If you want them, physically show them, and you should set the stage for a great night of sex.

Try Visual Cues

Remember the old ‘scrunchie (or sock, or whatever) on the doorknob trick’ from college? You know, the visual warning to your roommate that you were, uhhh…engaged in extracurriculars?  Try something similar to visually communicate to your lover that you’re ready to rock and roll.  Wanting a romantic rendezvous? Dim the lights, sprinkle some rose petals on the bed, and light a candle. Wanna get dirty and be quick about it? Try leaving a sexy note on their pillow, complete with some XOXO’s.  If you’re a little bolder about it, try leaving their favorite wand out on the bed!

One sexual communication trick used by a lot of couples, especially if there is a desire discrepancy (that’s when one partner wants sex more frequently than the other…read more about it here!) between them, is ‘Red light, Yellow light, Green light’.  This method uses a physical thing, whether it’s a certain pillow on the bed, a scarf on the door, or even a literal color changing LED light which can be set to the desired color.  Whatever symbol is chosen, Red light means “Nope, not today, don’t even ask”.  Hey, it’s better to know before your request falls completely flat, right?  Yellow light means, “anything’s possible.  Get my engine revved up and we can consider sex.”. And of course, the coveted green light means, “I’m as ready to go as you are…let’s do this!”.  

Textual Healing

If you’re on the shy side, or just don’t have a lot of face-to-face time with your lover, get technology on your side to help you ask for sex.  Sexting with your lover when they least expect it can be exciting, and may help put them in the mood for when you’re together. Be yourself, but don’t be afraid to get a little dirty! Making copious use of the suggestive emojis is fun, too. Not into texting? Utilize Snapchat filters, bitmojis, photo stories…whatever way you can (privately) remind your lover that you can’t wait to jump their bones!

My personal fave? If you two share a digital calendar, sneak sex on there as an event for a time you know you’ll be together. There’s nothing like a calendar alert popping up saying you have an appointment for ‘mad passionate fucking’ at 8:00! Want to take a more romantic angle? Shoot them a sweet message about scheduling sex – “Hey, I see we both have Friday afternoon off…’I know what I want to do with you…how about you?’ *winky face, heart, eggplant emoji, happy devil*. The worst they can say is no!

If you get stage fright from asking face-to-face, try texting your lover, even if you’re presently in the same house! Let them know they are on your mind, and that you can’t wait until you are together…naked…in bed.  You might even surprise them and start to get them in the mood by being a little more explicit than usual with your messages…maybe flash back to a little early 2000s cybersex moves?  This is especially fun if you can catch them off guard during their work day or at the gym or something!  Good luck! 😉

No matter how you do it, asking for sex reminds your partner that you desire them completely. Don’t be paralyzed by the chance of an occasional ‘no’. Likewise, don’t be too concerned if they rarely ask; maybe their anxiety about asking for sex is keeping them from being the initiator, too. Once you can BOTH get past any fears about asking for sex, you can look forward to all the rewards to come just from putting your desires out there!

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