Good Vibes Only: Toy Tips for Couples

by Erica G.

November 1, 2021


So, you’re in a a relationship…the sex is great, and there’s plenty of it, but suddenly you find out that your partner is upset by your stash of sex toys!  They may be jealous or feel like they’re incapable of pleasing you, when that couldn’t be further from the truth!  They may even want you to *gasp* swear off your toys for good!  What’s a toy lover to do? No matter how it came up, it’s time to lay the toys (and the emotions) on the table and really talk about what’s going on!  Read on as we try to help you and your partner get to the root of the problem, and look for resolutions that everyone can come to…together!

Communication is Key

If a concern or disagreement about your sex toy use arises in your relationship, it’s important to sit down and discuss it right then and there.  There are a number of reasons your partner might feel threatened by your solo sexual adventures.  There’s nothing wrong with masturbation or toy use, though, so you two need to get to the bottom of those feelings immediately.

Maybe your lover is just flat-out unfamiliar with sex toys.  If so, he may imagine the most oversized dildo or overpowered vibrator pleasing you better than he can, leaving you numb to the real thing (hint: that is not a thing that can happen!). Or she might assume that the thought of some other snatch is the only way he can get off. Being reassuring and honest is key to letting your partner know that sex toy use is not about replacing the sex you have together, but about experiencing even more sexual pleasure…together AND alone.  There’s no reason you can’t enjoy toys together! The technology of today’s toys can provide unique sensations and help you achieve orgasms that are nearly impossible for anyone to have consistently through sex alone. And that’s an experience that should be open to everyone!  

If toys are an important part of who you are sexually, an understanding partner should at least be ready to discuss the topic with you, and be open to you continuing to incorporate toys into your sex life.  If the initial blow-up happened because you have been keeping your toy use a secret, you may have to explain your logic behind hiding your habit. They may just feel hurt you didn’t invite them to join in on the fun earlier! Whatever the reason behind your initial non-disclosure, discussion is still key to understanding.  If they’re not willing to hear you out, maybe they aren’t the right partner for you!

The Control Factor

In some relationships, there’s one person that likes to always be in control…and we’re talking about more than just what’s on TV. This need for control can slip into your sex life, which could be part of the reason your lover has a problem with your sex toys. This is the perfect time to show how your vibrator is not permanently replacing him in bed. Show them how excited you are to use your vibe or other favorite sex toy together during your next sensual encounter, or use it to your fullest enjoyment while they watch and get turned on from the show.

If your lover is really hands-on and eager to interact, there are plenty of toys that you can use together to scratch that control itch. Instead of the TV remote, why not slip the remote to your sex toy over to them?  This puts them in charge of the levels of pleasure you get to experience! There are so many remote controlled toys available now, many not even shaped like a penis (in case there are any insecurity issues around that). If your control-loving partner is feeling excluded by your toy enjoyment, find ways for them to play, too! Certain high-tech toys have app technology where they can even control the toy from their phone! Some people love figuring out how things work, and while they fiddle with the controls, you get to squirm with pleasure!  BDSM can be a fun way for the dominant lover to take control, as well, if you both consent, of course.  Tie your lover up or cuff them and tease them with a wand toy until the magic happens.  Being in love with a control freak has never been so much fun!  

Toy Time is Me Time

Even in the most intimate, romantic, and loving relationships, a couple isn’t together for every waking moment of every day…that would be creepy, actually!  “Me Time” is important for everyone, and it’s important for you to spend that me time in a way you enjoy…masturbation and sex toy use included.  If your lover expresses concerns about you spending your free time with toys, chat with them about how it’s as simple as doing any other hobby they enjoy.  It brings you pleasure, it doesn’t hurt anyone or your relationship in the slightest, and it’s how you like to spend some of your down time.  They certainly shouldn’t have a problem with that!

Self-love is just one form of self-care, and self-care is important for each and every person, in a relationship or not.  Maybe explaining your toy use to your partner like it’s a day at the spa for you would help them see your point of view.  Exploring your own sexual needs and desires through masturbation and toy use can actually help you grow in understanding of your own body, and being able to talk about this with your partner is incredibly intimate and incredibly helpful in you two bonding as a couple and sharing amazing partnered sex that brings happiness to you both.      

Come Together

If your partner’s reception of toys is a welcome one after some discussion and experimentation, plan a trip to shop for sex toys together. This opens the floor to discussing what piques your interests and theirs, and what might work wonders at delivering orgasms for both of you, whether playing solo or for coupled love. The Romance Specialists at a Lover’s Lane store are always happy to help, or you can shop together online at  There are toys for men, women, and couples, and something to fulfil every fantasy! Anything that will keep you both playing together and being intimate is the ultimate goal. You can even try telling what you like and send them out on their own to try to find something for you, or for both of you to enjoy together…talk about a sexy surprise!

Drop the stigma about sex toys and keep an open mind, and hopefully your previously wary partner will, too. Any barriers in the bedroom will lead to a less exciting sex life overall, and no one wants that!  Introduce your own toy use with confidence (better to be honest and upfront than try and hide it and cause a blow-up later!) and talk about bringing sex toys into your love life with your partner.  They should just be excited that you’re getting them in on the action!

While it may be hard to convert some non-believers, sex toys have a place in ALL relationships!  Hopefully the knowledge we’ve dropped here can help you both find ways to be sexually happy and healthy…with the toys but without the drama! With a little bit of luck and a lot of communication and trust, you can definitely learn to enjoy sex toys within your relationship…on your own or together…without your partner being green with envy!

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