Some people call it “pillow talk.” Some people call it “talking dirty.” Most people think about it a lot and want to use it with their partners. But most aren’t sure how to start incorporating it into their sex lives, if they already haven’t. Maybe they’re a little shy by nature. Maybe they don’t feel like they know what words to use. Maybe they are afraid it will embarrass them and make them sound silly or they’ll be judged to be a slut. Three important things to keep in mind:
- Successful, ongoing, open communications are the key to healthy relationships.
- Talking dirty can be whole lotta fun.
- Pillow talk can help you elevate the intimate part of your relationship, whether you’re feeling particularly close at that moment or need to reconnect.
“Pillow talk is an intimate, authentic, unguarded conversation that occurs between two lovers,” explains Alisa Ruby Bash, PsyD, LMFT, in an article How to Up Your Relationship Intimacy with Pillow Talk in Healthline. This type of safe, loving, genuine connection and communication, Bash continues, usually occurs in bed or while cuddling before, during or after sex with a partner. However, sex doesn’t have to be part of the equation. So, how do you add talking dirty to your romance repertoire? One of the best ways that we often recommend is to talk about your fantasies. You can start slowly with where you would like to find yourself and what you would want to wear. Then, when sufficiently warmed up, work your way into the hot and explicit (a.k.a. dirty) details that happen next in your fantasy scenario. Sometimes, describing your fantasy can lead you and your partner to give it a try.
Sometimes, you may find it’s better just to talk about it, if you and your partner are not both comfortable with whatever it may require of each of you. But just talking about it can be a turn-on, too. Once in a while, it may just save your struggling sex life if you find yourselves in a no-touch, dirty talk drought. Another effective starter is to discuss a previous time when you had sex that you thoroughly enjoyed, whether it was two weeks ago or twenty years ago. A lot of couples engaged in more adventurous sex when they were younger, but remembering and perhaps reliving those experiences can be quite a stirring, exciting way to rekindle the flames. Find some classic erotica in a book such as Delta of Venus by Anaïs Nin or Lady Chatterley’s Lover by D.H. Lawrence or surf for some sultry sex stories online and read them to each other in bed. Then carry on some in-depth discussions of what you’ve read in bed for your personal bedification. Ooops… edification. Give your mate a kiss good-bye in the morning and say, “Remember that time we did that thing in the bathtub/garden/backseat? Call me at work later for a more comprehensive recollection.” Then make reservations for a nice restaurant or hotel room.
Finding ways to add a new adult toy to your sexual relationship can be a great way to layer in dirty talk, too, when you explain exactly why the toy looks the way it does, exactly what you want to do with it and exactly how that toy has the potential to elevate them to new heights of pleasure. One of the most entertaining and pleasurable ways to get the juices flowing is to engage in role play or to pretend to be various sexy characters such as the College Professor or the French Maid. Erotic role-playing often requires costumes and toys so that you can play the parts with authenticity, oui? Of course, choosing to wear an appropriate mask can lend some of that accuracy and, as any actor worth his or her salt knows, can help you get into the part with more commitment.
Doing all of this action and play in a mindful way can lend much more than fuel to the fire in your loins. “The type of communication and trust involved in releasing one’s everyday self to explore within the context of role play can enhance bonding and intimacy between partners,” says sex therapist Dulcinea Pitagora in a 2020 BestLife article. Moreover, she adds, the sexual creativity, excitement, and intensity that comes with sharing your role play ideas and then acting on them often carries over into other types of interactions that can enhance your relationship, too. Everyone wants to feel wanted and hot. So you should always feel comfortable talking about what turns you on about your partner. Maybe it’s their hair or the way they look in a swimsuit or a tuxedo or the way their body moves when they walk or how it feels when they massage you. Maybe it’s their sense of humor or the way they talk about baseball or the way they love and protect your children. As you age, remember to love your partner as they are. Tell them the things that you never do. If you love running your hands through their hair, tell them. It will turn them on and fortify their self-esteem and reinforce confidence in your relationship. No matter what you try, always remember that, if you want to talk dirty in bed and for some reason it doesn’t sound right, you can laugh it off and have fun playing around with it, too. Sharing that type of enjoyable, relaxed, and at times whimsical and mischievous frolicking will most often end up bringing you even closer together.