Ask the Intimacy Advisor: Upgrade Your Orgasms

Welcome back to another edition of Ask the Intimacy Advisor, where I answer your most intimate questions honestly & openly…but anonymously!  No question is too silly or too serious, and if you’re thinking it, so is someone else, so lots of people can benefit from your questions!  While they may not seem like it at first glance, this month’s questions all revolve nicely around the topic of ways to improve your love life by improving your orgasms…so let’s dive right in and learn some ways to take your big O from “Oh, Okay” to “OH, YEAH!”  

Question:  I am having some serious trouble trying to learn how to “squirt”.  I know I can because I have done it before a few times without it being totally intentional or planned, but can you please help me learn how?  My man really wants to see me do this badly!  Can you help me? ~ Christine

Of course, Christine, this is a fun one! 🙂 “Squirting” as it is colloquially called, is simply female ejaculation.  It comes naturally to some women, as they may release some ejaculate every time they have a decent orgasm, while for some it’s as elusive as bigfoot.  It’s still not fully understood scientifically, but we do know enough about it to share some tips & tricks, and it is likely that it can be “learned” if you don’t naturally seem to do it most of the time!  For most women, the key to squirting seems to be G-spot stimulation.  

The G-spot is that pleasure point you find when you insert a finger into your vagina and curl it towards your front in a “come here” sort of motion (see diagram below).  When you’re sexually aroused, this spot fills up with blood and becomes swollen and very sensitive to touch, and that touch is likely to produce an intense orgasm complete with female ejaculation. This means you’re more likely to “squirt” during some great solo or partnered finger or toy play than you are during vaginal intercourse…an inserted penis just doesn’t achieve the right angle to hit the G-spot most of the time.  

Quick tips if you’re questing for a great squirt:

1)  Take a really good pee before you begin.  You may notice the close proximity of the G-spot to the bladder…stimulating it correctly can suddenly make you feel like you really have to pee, when that’s actually your body telling you it’s about to ejaculate!  Don’t kill the buzz by running to the bathroom in the heat of the moment.  If you know you’ve emptied your bladder, you know that sensation is you being about to squirt, and not needing to pee!  And don’t worry – while it contains a few of the same “ingredients”, female ejaculate isn’t pee, either!  

2)  Try toys.  There is a whole category of sex toys and vibrators meant to stimulate your g-spot if a finger just doesn’t seem to be enough.  A slim, flexible G-Spot vibe is great for exploring your body and finding just the right spot.  A rabbit vibe specially angled for the g-spot is also a great option, as the dual stimulation of the G-spot and clitoris at the same time may give you a combination orgasm that will make you really likely to squirt!  If your main goal is for your man to see it, he can use the toys on you and watch!  If you want to learn even more about the art and science of squirting, the book Are You Coming? should have all your answers!  Good luck!      

Question:  How do you stimulate the prostate, and why? ~ Jon

This is a great question, Jon, and a very common one!  Simply stated, men can and should stimulate their prostate for the same reason women can & should stimulate their G-spot:  It feels good, it’s good for you, and it can increase the intensity of your orgasm and your ejaculation.  The prostate (or P-spot) is a walnut sized gland which can only be accessed through your rectum (see diagram below), and very near your bladder…enough to make it so that you, too, should make it a habit to empty your bladder before sex, especially if prostate stimulation is going to be involved.  This will help you tell the difference between needing to pee and being ready to have a prostate orgasm.  

Prostate massage or “milking the prostate” is a common technique to bring on intense sensations and orgasms.  The prostate itself can produce ejaculate, which then joins your semen in your urethra and can be released when you cum.  You can massage your prostate manually with a finger, or with a vibrator or prostate toy made to hit just the right spot, like the LELO Hugo Prostate Massager, which adds an amazing perineum massager.  If the size of that one is a little intimidating for you, you might prefer a slimmer fit like the Aneros Helix Syn.  You can also insert a non-vibrating P-spot massager during sex for simultaneous stimulation of your prostate while you’re getting it on.  Like with any kind of anal play, make sure to use lots of lube!  You might find that it will require some tricky positions or manipulating at first, but once you take some time to explore your body and add prostate massage to your sex or masturbation routine, I think you’ll find it to be an all-around great thing!  Definitely come back to the Intimacy Advisor Blog in November as we will be tackling even more topics about prostate health and prostate stimulation!  

Question:  My BF and I have been together for almost 10 years now.  He is my first and only.  Thing is, I’m 25 now, and although I love him and don’t want to leave, I always have this fear in the back of my head that I’m missing out on whatever else is out there.  Any suggestions on how to overcome this? ~ Jess

This is a tough one, Jess, but I’ll do my best!  First of all, your concerns and emotions are natural and legitimate, and you’re not the only one in this boat. The FOMO (Fear of missing out) is real!  While many people fall in love & stay in love with their high school, college, or even MIDDLE SCHOOL sweetheart and are with them happily forever with zero regrets, it’s normal and okay to realize that you might be missing out on some of that common “playing the field” or “seeing what else is out there” time, too.  Humans are biologically wired to seek out both novelty, and the most ideal partner, and many people need more than one shot at getting this right, so the wandering mind is normal!  Having these feelings doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you or with your relationship, and you might find that if you are able to talk to your boyfriend about it, he may have some of the same feelings.  If you both really want to commit to each other, stay together, and continue to make it work, you absolutely can…just make sure it doesn’t constantly feel like a chore or a second job.  You guys might just need a little bit of a relationship refresh!

Try some new & exciting things to spice up your love life, like adding lingerie during foreplay, sex toys for couples or during mutual masturbation, or even some kink or BDSM play to your bedroom.  You might even like to engage your imagination by reading erotic novels or watching sultry videos with your man, then reenacting what you read or see.  Adding games like Monogamy or Fantasy Affair to your sex life can help you become newly intimate with each other, too, and help you have lots of fun in the process.  As long as you don’t let sex become boring, you’ll at least know it’s not just THAT that you fear missing out on!  

Take some time to truly focus on being romantic with each other, too.  Do things together like you did when you first met.  Continue to honor each other with thoughtful gifts and meaningful dates on special occasions like birthdays, Sweetest Day, Valentine’s Day, and your dating anniversary.  Check out this post if you need some more fresh ideas in the romance department.  The second the magic starts to fade from an otherwise perfect relationship, we start to feel a little blasé and anxious, leading to this internal struggle you’re facing now.  

If you are both having concerns that you’re missing out on dating other people, there are options out there beyond monogamy which you two can discuss together. These relationship styles definitely require enthusiastic consent from all parties. They also take a fair amount of work and aren’t for everyone.  Don’t take talking about the options lightly, though…even just introducing the idea or suggesting an open relationship or something of that nature can blow up in your face and ruin the relationship if your partner isn’t ready for it…which might be all the sign you need if you really DO want to try something new and he’s that against it.  The key here is that you both communicate with each other about your needs and desires for sex, romance, and your relationship and where you want it to go in the future, and you two can definitely continue to take on the world together!