How We All Masturbated in 2023: A Year of Self-love in Review

by Christopher J.

December 29, 2023

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Sure, pleasuring yourself comes with certain obvious benefits like, uh, sexual enjoyment and pleasure? Orgasm? But you should also know that scientists now believe your individual acts of self-gratification in 2023 could be contributing to the evolutionary enrichment of the entire human race.

Written by Cara Murez for HealthDay, “Going Solo: Masturbation May Give Humans an Evolutionary Edge,” the reporter summarizes the results of investigators from University London College “discovered using a huge set of data on primate masturbation.” Who knew there even was a huge set of data on primate masturbation?

However, class, Murez informs that the investigators gathered the information from almost 400 sources, including published academic papers, questionnaires and personal communications from primatologists and zookeepers. You always wondered what they did in those little offices behind the Primate House at the zoo, didn’t you? For our purposes as high-end primates not afraid of a little self-pleasuring on occasion, the investigators tapped this diddler’s database to understand masturbation habits.

“Hey, who took my lube?!?”

“They discovered that masturbation has a long evolutionary history in primates,” Murez writes. “It was even most likely present in the ancestor that all monkeys and apes, including humans, share.”

Fortunately for parents and sex educators everywhere, the researchers devised several ideas to explain how evolution would involves something as seemingly non-functional as masturbation.

“They proposed that masturbation helps with successful fertilization, increasing arousal before sex, which could be helpful for low-ranking males who might be interrupted quickly,” Murez says the team determined. “The study authors also suggested that masturbation with ejaculation could help shed substandard semen, leaving the better swimmers for when they actually have something to fertilize.”

Their study also found there was good reason to believe what pretty much everyone knows that male masturbation evolved among mating systems where there were multiple males, meaning a lot of competition. Thus, the universally accepted formula: males + competition = Infinite Excuses to Exercise/Show Off Male Primate Parts.

On the more pragmatic primate side, the study also proposed that male masturbation reduces the chances of contracting an STI by cleansing the urethra with ejaculate.

Unfortunately, what this landmark study did not uncover was related evidence regarding the significance of female masturbation, “because there are simply fewer reports describing it.” No surprise there.

But let’s get down and dirty now and take a look at some of our primate self-pleasuring performance statistics for 2023. According to SexualAlpha.com, which provides a fairly comprehensive selection of masturbation statistics on its site, here are some numbers from this past year on how often people globally do the solo grope-and-go:

  • 78% of people around the globe masturbate.
  • On average, women masturbate 49 times per year, and men masturbate 154 times.
  • Men masturbate 68% more than women.
  • 5% of people masturbate almost every day.
  • Most women who masturbate (91.5%) still do so, even if they are married or in a relationship.
  • 67% of heterosexual men in relationships still masturbate.
  • 72% of women and 84% of men ages 25-29 masturbate – that is more than any other age group.

The site also features some facts that prove that women may masturbate less often than men, but their potential performance achievements are astronomically superior to strokers of the opposite sex:

“On average, men and women spend almost the same amount of time masturbating. Women take 13 minutes to masturbate, and men take 14 minutes. That said, there are some pretty wild masturbation records:

· The world masturbation record for orgasms is 134 orgasms in one hour. A woman in California holds it.

· Masanobu Sato holds the record for the most extended masturbation session – 9 hours and 58 minutes.”

If you’d like to immerse yourself into a comprehensive study of contemporary solitary sexual practices, check out “The State of Self-Love & Masturbation 2023” compiled from a survey conducted by Quinn in April 2023 and published by Cosmopolitan/Quinn. The voluntary and anonymous survey includes representatives from 39 countries between the ages of 18 and 56.

Regarding the scores of perks that result from playing with yourself, the report concludes: “The physical and emotional benefits of masturbation are hard to dispute. Here are just a few ways that your body and mind benefit from time dedicated solely to your physical pleasure:

  • The release of healthy hormones like dopamine, oxytocin, testosterone, and serotonin.
  • The rush of endorphins that comes with sexual pleasure brings a whole host of positive physical and emotional rewards.
  • Increased mental clarity and focus post-orgasm.
  • Lowered blood pressure and improved ability to regulate stress.
  • Anxiety and depression reduction.

With these benefits in mind, 63% of the Quinn survey participants noted that masturbation is a part of their self-care routine. Moreover, masturbation is obviously unlikely to result in pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases, making it a safe way to engage in sexual pleasure.”

In her article published in Grazia in October, “Oh Yes! How To Masturbate Well In 2023,” Georgia Aspinal examines the fact that the times and private, personally produced tingles are different for women than they were in the not-too-distant past: “Long gone are the days when struggling to climax was a taboo topic to be buried under the metaphorical bed. Now, women will shout out their pleasure problems publicly, because it’s about time we understood what’s going wrong – and what needs to be done about it.”

What needs to be done about it, she continues, is to identify, test and maximize all of the myriad masturbation options open to women.

“Because the female orgasm is a far from a myth, and there are actually a lot of wild new ways to reach it these days – especially when it comes to masturbating,” Aspinal comments. “From mirror masturbating to digisexual masturbation, we’ve collated a list of the most intriguing new ways to masturbate for 2023. You can thank us later.”

Hoping you get more hands-on and extra super digisexual when pursuing your self-pleasuring activities in 2024! And yeah, you can thank us later, too!

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