Ask the Intimacy Advisor: Tackling the Tough Stuff

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Sex & intimacy are important to our overall mental & emotional well-being, but sometimes life puts some serious hurdles in the way of us having a healthy and fulfilling sex life. Romantic relationships aren’t always butterflies and rainbows, but making them work shouldn’t feel like pulling teeth, either. In this post, the Intimacy Advisor takes on YOUR questions…even the tough ones…to help you find hope, happiness, and healing from your biggest love life challenges.


Question: Can I get pleasure from a small penis? I’ve been with a guy for just a few months. We haven’t had sex yet, but I’ve been giving oral sex to him and he’s been fingering me in which I have orgasmed each time. I wanted to take things slow and not rush into sex. He has not performed oral sex on me yet as we both just started any type of intimate dealings. His penis is small, as my petite hand can wrap around it and the head of his penis barely peeks out. I’m very attracted to him and he does turn me on. I’m just afraid that when we do have sex, it will not stay inside me. The guys I’ve been with have been over 6.5 to over 8 in. and I don’t think he’s even 5 or 5.5. He also has a gut, and I’m already picturing us in the missionary position. What techniques or tricks should I try? I’ve never had on orgasm from the doggy-style position with anyone, so I thought I’d add that if that would be an option. ~ Alena

Great question Alena, and believe me, you aren’t the only person in the world with this one on your mind!

Penises come in all shapes and sizes, but fortunately so do our lady parts. What particular penis size is perfect for pleasing different women varies as much as the penises themselves. You know your own body best, so it will likely take some trial and error for you two to find your sweet spot together, but I believe it (almost always) can be done. Size matters, but it isn’t everything.

Experimenting with different positions like you mentioned is a great place to start. Doggy-style may not be your best bet for sex with a man with a more petite member, but it may work for you; it IS great for keeping any guts out of the way! You may also have luck with you lying at the edge of the bed and him standing. Reverse cowgirl would be another good option; it takes his tummy out of the way and puts you in control. You may not quite feel “filled up”, but you shouldn’t have a problem with his penis slipping out, either. A wedge cushion or Hipster positioning aid can also help you find new and exciting options that work with both of your physicalities AND help provide you with deeper penetration and more pleasure!

It sounds like you’ve already discovered your most important coping technique for this issue, and that is finding other ways to orgasm! If he can bring you to orgasm regularly with his mouth or his fingers, and you can provide him pleasure in this way, too, you may not have much of a problem at all! Penetrative sex is important but it isn’t the be-all end-all. Some women can’t orgasm from penetrative sex, ever! It sounds like you’ve had success with larger penises in the past so maybe that works for you, but it’s not the only way he can please you sexually. There’s also the option of him trying a penis extension or sleeve in order to add length and girth to help you feel him inside you more thoroughly. There’s no shame in that game! Just make sure to offer help him get off after, as wearing one may cut down on his sensation levels.

When you get to this point in your relationship, if you see P-in-V sex isn’t always working well, just lie close together and writhe around naked for awhile. Make sure there’s plenty of making out and touching each other. This will help get those pleasure hormones flowing! Then get each other off with oral sex or fingering and hand jobs! A lot of guys are more than good enough at these all-too-important skills to compensate for any deficiencies below the belt!

And hey, your G-spot isn’t that far inside your vagina; you may find that his fit is just right to hit that for you. Just keep experimenting with positions, props, and angles, and I trust that you’ll find success!

Question: I have E.D. It seems impossible to get hard and to cum. My wife has lost all interest. I do get frustrated when I can’t perform, but my wife puts no effort into turning me on. I feel like I can and will, if I only have some seduction from her. Is it wrong to use a female aphrodisiac? We have been together for 32 years and miss my wife. ~ Jeff

Oh, Jeff, my heart hurts for you that you are going through this with your wife. It’s good that you’re being proactive and trying to find solutions, and it’s important not to get too down on yourself. E.D., or erectile dysfunction, is a real and very common physical ailment, and you have no control over whether you have it or not. An E.D. diagnosis doesn’t have to mean the end of your sex life, though!

Your wife not making an effort at seducing you and turning you on sounds like a communication shortcoming more than a physiological thing on her end. Female aphrodisiacs like you mentioned may help her to get in the mood and feel more horny herself, if that’s the problem. When she’s ready for sex, though, she’s GOT to put forth that effort to show you how badly she wants you. It sounds like she may have difficulties desiring sex herself, and that may be a physical thing, but it’s more likely that it’s mental or emotional, and she needs to work on getting to the root of that.

Long story short, you need to talk to her and tell her how you feel. Tell her you miss her. Tell her you want to be able to please her and receive pleasure yourself, but you need her to make an effort as well. You literally can’t perform for her unless she puts on a little performance for you! Whether you want her to dress up in sexy lingerie to help you get hard, talk dirty to you to help keep you in the mood, or just take charge more and engage more fully with sex and foreplay, those should all be things she’s willing to do to be with you. If you’re still struggling, it may be time to seek the help of a marriage counsellor or sex therapist to help you both get your groove back.

Question: I have been celibate for a couple of years & have just started dating again. Intercourse was painful this time. It never was before. What can I do to rectify this? ~ Pam

Painful intercourse is never fun, Pam, but you are absolutely not alone in experiencing it. Have hope! There are plenty of things you can do to help get yourself back in the game without pain! Women’s bodies and how they experience sensations sexually can change drastically. This can be due to age, hormones, childbirth, activity levels, and a whole host of other things. Before you think you can never experience pain-free sex again, try these things:

  1. Lube: If you’re not already using lube for sex, please start now! It reduces the friction that can make sex so uncomfortable for many women. Silicone lube is condom-safe, and provides the longest lasting and most slippery shield from that dreaded mood-killing pain.
  2. CBD: Sexual enhancement products made with CBD are all the rage right now, and for good reason. The compounds in CBD can help bring about a soothing, relaxing sensation that can help ease you into more comfortable sex. There are CBD lubes if you want to kill two birds with one stone, but a concentrated product like Flora And Bast Relief Potion will bring about the most noticeable feeling of comfort.
  3. Kegels: Just like the rest of our body, our pelvic floor muscles need to be routinely worked out and stretched to maintain suppleness and elasticity. Doing Kegel exercises can dramatically improve the conditions that can lead to painful sex. Insertable sex toys of gradually increasing sizes like a vaginal dilator may be helpful, too, as you work up to making your vagina happy during sex again.

Pain during sex for women is unfortunately common. There are whole books on the subject, like When Sex Hurts or Healing Painful Sex if you want to do some deeper research. Keep trying new methods, sexual positions, and some of the products mentioned above, and I trust that you’ll find pleasure without pain again very soon! If it continues, though, don’t hesitate to talk to your doctor.

Question: How do I Incorporate sex toys into a relationship without demeaning my partner? ~ Prima

Good question, Prima! Sex toys are an important part of a healthy sex life, for men and for women! Introducing sex toys and your desire to use them to your partner can seem like a delicate subject, but it’s a talk you need to have! The sooner, the better, too. Do you already know that your partner will feel demeaned by them, or are you just guessing? You might be surprised. Some partners are actually over the moon when their partner brings up the prospect of toy play! It can open a whole new world of possibilities for your sex life. Toys provide great sexual pleasure, and the fact that you occasionally get that pleasure with the help of toys shouldn’t have to be a secret from your partner. Hopefully, he’ll want to join in the fun!

Sex toys shouldn’t feel threatening or demeaning to your partner; no toy can ever replace the sexual connection you have with a human. They are great for self-pleasure and many of them are even more fun for coupled love. If you need even more specific ideas about how to have this talk with your partner, check out this post. Talk about your desires, what turns you on, and what you both are or are not comfortable with. Then go shopping together, online at SexDrive.com or at a Lover’s Lane store near you. Our Romance Specialists are trained to honestly and openly help with your (or your partner’s) questions and concerns! Then just go have fun, you newly-fledged toy lovers!

the author

Kristin T.

A former teacher & trusted relationship expert, Kristin writes science & health-conscious advice that she hopes can help everyone enjoy sex & intimacy more.
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